Hold Expectations Not Grudges: Student-Teacher Conflicts

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The Inevitable Teacher-Student Showdown

No matter what grade level you teach, you will certainly end up in a teacher-student showdown. Also known as the power struggle. Depending on the grade level, it will look a little different. Middle and high school are fairly similar, but elementary is in a league of its own. Regardless of the age level of your students, every educator can benefit from the idea of hold expectations, not grudges.

What Holding Expectations Not Grudges Looks Like in Reality

Most recently in my classroom I got into a conflict with a student. At some point I was trying to send her to another teacher for a cooldown moment, but she was refusing. Then she was walking off yelling through the hall how she is going somewhere else. Not only was she refusing to go where I was sending her, but she was calling me all types of names as she walked off.

I am the Queen of Working and Not Working to you all, but to my students I am, “Queen Petty.” So you must know that I did not just stand there and take her verbal lashings. I stood my ground, reaffirming my expectations of respect and compliance to school and classroom rules. Surely you know that I sprinkled in some non-textbook remarks. Enough for her to know I am not the one to play with, but also stayed behind that delicate line of being sent downtown on a write-up.

“Today is a new day, I don’t hold grudges, so I hope to see you in class.”

The next day, I ended up running into this particular student. I spoke to her in a warm tone, saying, “Hello” and said her name. She replied, “Hey Ms.,” but she was looking down. Then in the same warm tone I said, “Today is a new day, I don’t hold grudges, so I hope to see you in class.” She did not respond to my last comment, but she did end up coming. The student had a great day, and several more connected great days, as if the entire incident never happened.

Where Did Hold Expectations Not Grudges Come From?

I would be the biggest liar if I said I always operated like this. It wasn’t until my second year of teaching, after I almost got fired my first year. To read more about my first year of teaching blunders, check out my post: “Teacher Fired in First 90 Days, How They Made a Classroom Comeback.”

When I first started teaching, I began at the middle school level. If you have taught, worked with, or have children of your own at this age level, you know they are a different breed. It is almost as if they are all clinically bi-polar but no one will diagnose them because eventually, they will grow out of it.

These hormonal, I don’t know what’s going on with my body, I don’t know how to control my mind, and I surely can’t figure out this work you are trying to teach me, taught me this valuable lesson. There was a young lady who cursed me out from A-Z and then back to A during 2nd period. She then returned to my classroom right before lunch and gave me a really big hug, a smile, and said, “See you tomorrow.”

I stood at my classroom door baffled. That student really came to my door as if this never happened. The referral is already filled out on my desk, ready for me to take to her Dean’s office. I honestly could not fathom the way things played out that day. This situation taught me about the nuances of dealing with kids. And just how important it is to hold expectations, not grudges.

How Can you hold expectations not grudges?

Remember this one thing as the baseline. We don’t know what our students home life is like. We do not know the environment, the personality of their caregivers, or the responsibilities that are thrown on them. They get stressed just like we get stressed. So how do we bounce back after getting into conflict with a student? I’m about to give you the best remedies.

How to Not Hold Grudges

1) Don’t take it personal

Don’t take anything personal is one of the Four Agreements. The Four Agreements is written by Miguel Ruiz. Intended to help readers explore freedom, happiness, and love, while creating a more successful life. If you want to find out more on the Four Agreements check out this article or the paperback/audio book.

How does don’t take anything personal help you with your students? Easy! That student having a bad day usually has absolutely nothing to do with you. I find myself in the midst of conflict saying to them, “I don’t know what happened to you before you came into my classroom today, but I didn’t do it. And you are taking it out on me, which is not right. But if you are having a bad day, and you are just in one of those moods, allow me to send you to another class, where you can process everything and work on getting yourself back on track.”

I then ask them if they are going to be able to pull it together right now, or if they need to step out because they need more time. I will also ask them if they want to vent to me, get it off their chest, and then come back into class. The moral of the story is, their feelings are not actually about you. Which is part of the four agreements as well… Don’t Make Assumptions.

You, the teacher, are just an easy target. They are taking it out on you because they cannot talk to their parents or their caregivers like this. In their mind, they are going to let some adult have it. Frustrated students are going to take it out on some adult, just not those specific adults. 1-2-3 you’re it, mostly because, you, are a “less threatening” adult.

2) Extend grace, and forgive

Regardless if you are spiritual or religious, most have some principle around extending grace, and forgiving. I am a Christian woman, and without throwing the Bible at you, I am going to say that God wants us to give grace and forgiveness, the same way he gives us grace and forgives us. He wants us to return the favor, but to others.

Do not throw your students to the fire just because they had a bad day, or even a series of bad days.  You genuinely do not know what they are going through. If most adults struggle to process life, how can we expect a kid to process life better than us? Take some time to talk to that student. Ask them to stay after class or pull them into the hallway. Be intentional on getting to know the why behind their behavior.

Listen to them. You would be surprised at how many kids will tell you that no one cares about their feelings. How no one talks to them or asks them what they think, what they like/dislike, or what they want. Just by you offering to be a listening ear, that is going to automatically take their defenses down several notches.

“Treat others the way you want to be treated”

3) Apply the golden rule

Treat others the way you want to be treated is indeed the golden rule. As adults we have all found ourselves stressed out to the brink of a nervous breakdown. During those times we were not the best versions of ourselves. We were snappy, irritable, stubborn, nitpicky, deflective, blaming, etc. Some of us have even had to circle back and apologize to those around us for our words and actions.

The same way we want others to be understanding when it pertains to us, we also have to be understanding when it comes to others. No, I am not saying be a doormat, and allow your students to disrespect you without correction. What I am saying is when they humble themselves through word or action, accept them with open arms.

4) Stand up for yourself

This one is definitely not from the textbook. However, it is very instrumental for me when I am trying not to hold grudges with my students. No adult wants to feel like we are a doormat for our students to talk to and treat any type of way. Which is why I am preaching to hold expectations, not grudges.

For me when a student gets out of pocket. They are no longer operating from a child’s place. Maybe they are using adult language, calling me names, or even trying to attack my character and personality. When this happens, especially in the heat of the moment, I have to dish out some clap-back. This must be done in order to assert myself and command some respect back.

I am not saying that I curse a student back out, or that I crack jokes back at them (okay I did crack back one time, but only because she started talking about my edges, and at the time that was a sensitive subject). I do find things to say that maintain my position of power as the adult in the room.

Things that reiterate the rules we have regarding respect and the fact that it is a two-way street. Also, I make sure to find ways to point out that their behavior and word choices are immature at best. Informing them if they want to go toe-toe with an adult, they will need to elevate their communication skill set.

It helps me to know that I did not allow myself to be “bullied” by my students.

I may not use all three in every situation, but I will serve up at least one. This helps me because when I go to reflect on the situation later that day. It helps me to know that I did not allow myself to be “bullied” by my students. That my other students saw me stand up for myself, and all my students are aware that if they cross the line, they will get checked.

As I have stated before, sometimes I am not mature enough for this teaching job. I have a line that I am willing to get right up to, but I won’t cross. I know that once I cross this line, it will most likely lead to a write-up or termination. Know your line, treat that line like dogs who have an invisible fence. Know that it is there, get close to it, but don’t you touch it. This enables me to hold expectations, not grudges.

How to hold expectations

1) Remember who may be raising them

Cycling back to the over arching theme that we do not know what our students deal with at home, who their role models are, and what is and is not “normal” in their household. By no means should we take that as an excuse. But we should keep in mind, we may have to be the ones to instill certain values and manners into them, because they are not getting it at home.

Come on, we have all gone to that one parent-teacher conference. The one where we just look at the parent and think to ourselves, if you the parent and you talk and think like this, I can’t be mad at the kid. They are truly a product of their environment. You already know the parent is not going to be of much support in reeling their child in.

Yes, I took it there. Again I’m the one that is going to say what everyone else was thinking. Moving right along. I do tell my students during our conflict, “I don’t know how you are allowed to talk to the people in your household, but in this house, in my classroom house, the place where my name is on the door, we don’t get down like that.”

2) Teach your students to code-switch

In order to hold expectations, not grudges, I then work on teaching my students about code-switching. Yes, I teach high school, but you can still take this concept and break it down to even the elementary level of understanding. I give a self example to them.

 I tell the that, “Sheree is a totally different person than Ms. Carter. Sheree is who I am outside of these school walls. Sheree is uncut, uncensored, and probably has no business influencing anyone’s child. But Sheree cannot come into this school house.” Not if I want to keep a job she can’t.

“So once I park my car in the parking lot, I have to code-switch into Ms. Carter. Now Ms. Carter is the one who stands before you on a daily and teaches you math and also teaches you life. Ms. Carter uses professional and appropriate language and keeps a certain demeanor and decorum about herself. Both Sheree and Ms. Carter operate from the same body, but they use two different parts of my mind.

“It is a requirement for them to come into my classroom and act like they got some sense.”

Bringing it full circle I drill in the idea to my students, that they may be able to act and talk reckless in those streets. They may be able to use certain types of language and disrespectful gestures at home. But all of that needs to be left out in the hallway. The moment they come across my threshold, they need to code-switch so they can thrive in my classroom environment. It is a requirement for them to come into my classroom and act like they got some sense.

I tell them to act, pretend, make believe, whatever they have to do, but make sure they make it happen. Sometimes we do have to extend grace as students learn to code-switch. Keeping in mind that you are the only one requiring this of them. It will take time and multiple redirections before it sticks. As long as you hold expectations, not grudges, everything will smoothe itself out over time.

3) Be consistent across the board

Holding the same expectations for all of your students irregardless. You can do this by addressing behaviors and not the person. Addressing behaviors takes the emotions out of it. You are less likely to say to yourself, “Awww but it’s _____ and they are one of my favorites.” I tell my students all the time, “I don’t have an issue with you, my issue is with the behaviors and comments that are currently coming from you. If they stop, so do I.” We can get along just fine.

I make mention that there are certain kids I never have to fuss at. And it is because they avoid saying and doing things that will earn them negative attention from me. They follow these golden rules that are posted in front of my classroom. No need to call them out about anything… “They stay off my nerves, and I stay off theirs.”

4) Limit your referrals

I do not write many referrals. In fact, I usually end up writing 3-5 the entire school year. If I get cussed out, verbally or physically threatened, those are an automatic referral, Almost anything else we can use as a teachable moment. The more referrals you write, the less power your students think you have.

If I write a referral, that does not mean I held a grudge. It means, you took it too far. So far that it cannot only be handled in house anymore. Now it has to be handled with your dean and your parent. I make it known to my students that my goal is to handle all discipline in house.

Mostly because I do not know how much trouble they get into in other classes, or with administration. I don’t know if they are on probation and a referral will get them violated. I honestly don’t know if my referral will tip the scales not in their favor. When your students know you are trying to work with them, they will try to work with you.

Conclusion

When you hold expectations, not grudges, it really makes for that forgiving environment. One where everyone is able to receive grace, where a bad day doesn’t have to ruin the school year. I work in the hood. Many of my students parents are working 2-3 jobs. They are rarely around, or they lack the patience, and the kids end up raising themselves.

We are trying to instill life lessons into our students that will make for higher functioning and more successful adults. Holding expectations, not grudges will go a long way with building respect and positive relationships with your students.